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Because wikipedia grabs my eyeballs like a torch light fixates an owl's gaze, and then I can never ever leave the website while it downloads thousands of useless facts to my brain, uwaaugh...

I was supposed to be studying plants today, instead I spend 5... 6? hours on wikipedia until I'm keeling over, shivering and gravity is coming from a slightly-off angle.

So, no more wikipedia. Also, I like tumblr for nice pictures, but no tumblr also until I'm good with my plants, because a job interview actually depends on that, not how my feels are doing. No deviantart too. No forums. Raise all the distraction shields.

Wish I could just stop using a computer altogether but it's such a useful tool... so, just internet DNS blocking... modern human problems, modern human solutions~

I have the opposite of ADHD, I hyperfocus. I hyperfocus like a bird of prey hyperfocusing on prey sounds. Except I end up hyperfocusing on random useless media the internet sprays at me, like so much vehicle traffic noise while trying to hunt. I'm doing the internet equivalent of flying to quieter places to hunt.

Is there really more to say?

Cute icon commissions: http://musehorse.deviantart.com/art/Itty-Bitty-Commissions-351878558

Hedgewitchery hangout: http://crookedcauldron.boards.net/

Stone reference: http://creepyhollows.com/

Jars: http://www.mountainroseherbs.com/

Look I have a visitor




Outside the window

On a tree

In the wind

In the snow

Blustery snow

I think it likes it too

If I were it I would like it too

I wish I were it



And then I would fly over

And I would sit in swaying trees and look into windows

And make bird noises

And make the people behind those windows wish they were me

I make it a point to not be sad about things. It's so easy to be made sad about things you can't change, especially in such a wired world where everyone wants each other to know about something rather than stay ignorant. I think that's like feeding yourself poison meant for someone else after they already took it. I also have an energy balance to meet, and that excessive sadness and other negative things will harm me. And by default because of the things I've been through and know, I already have a lot of things to be sad about. Like, if you felt such things and it affected you and you lit a candle to find closure or respect or solace about a single sad incident or larger scale thing that is happening right now or that I know about that will happen inevitably, and that makes me sad and melancholic and negative, you'd buy out the whole of Ikea and still not have enough candles. I sure don't have enough, or enough stones or spiritual energy or paper cranes or tea leaves or shooting stars to begin balancing it out. I'm not sure how I deal with that, but I know how I deal with everything else especially tragedy in the human realm, and that's not 'to be sad', the world has more than enough sadness for me, my quota is full. I'm not saying other people can't be sad about something, just that I'm not going be sad about something, so that I'm a little happier, the world is a little happier, and there is a spark of happiness in me that I can share with a few others after their sadness has gone and left nothingness in its wake. Some of us are the leaves that fall in autumn; some of us are the buds that shrug off the cold so we can bloom in the spring.

So yes, I'm not unusually sad my father just died. Am I going to be sad about other humans I know even less dying in some outrage or disaster? I can't, and I'm okay with staying happily ignorant, because I'm already sad about so many birds and beasts dying every day. If that offends you, that I'm not sad that some people neither you or I know or cared about until the news came, died, apologies. I hope you have a candle to light, tears to shed, or whatever else is your custom, so you can balance your sadness honestly. If it offends you that my own father died and I am no more sadder than many other days, also apologies. If you want to light a candle for me, my mother, my father, etc, that is okay, and I appreciate that. But don't pull me into your sadness unless you also want to light a candle for each of my relations who have died without so much as a notice or a word of respect, each of my relations whose blood spatters the snow, whose feathers cover the ground, whose eyes no more reflect back the light of ancient stars, whose spirits have passed on and taken a part of my soul with them to the rivers of eternity.

I don't begrudge you your sadnesses, and how you deal with them. But don't push them at me. The songs of my heart, both those of sadness and joy, are mine alone to sing.

Also, I want to try to never pass around sadness, but pass around more happiness instead :)