(no subject)

I want to make a note, that as work pulls more and more and more time out from beneath my feet, that I am looking forward to pushing back against it, and having more time for myself. It's not about saving things and feelings for next time. Work's like that, energy isn't. Energy and spirituality exist in the moment. Work can wait, can be pushed over, shouldn't take over. And if you have a job where it's expected that work pushes these other things over - I do - then it's the wrong job. Some jobs can be really lucrative if you allow them to take over your life. I think I've long decided to turn my back on those. It's not a career, not the one I want anyway, there's no promotion or pay rise at the end of the contract. I'll live even if a project falters. I can be perfect in my projects, but I don't want to be; I can live without the praise, reputation, letters of recommendation, etc. I can live with disappointing people who wanted more of me. I can't live without living, without my spirituality.

If it just belches out from the 9 to 5, 5 days a week and becomes and 8 to 8, 7 days a week with no extra pay, leaving barely any time for house upkeep, meals, showering and all that other stuff, it's time to consciously push back.

I'm not going to keep working when it becomes unbearable to do so, and I'll follow my heart. Work can wait until tomorrow.

I've got loose ends to tie up, too many to focus on one.

I've obviously changed, or are so far out of my depth that I can't provide what other people thought I'd be able to do (hence the reason for hiring me) - in a way, I'm using up the goodwill, and then they will be ambivalent towards me instead of excited and drawn to me. The magic that drove that is fading. But that's okay. A new magic is taking over. I want to pursue a new life path anyway.